Waste of Space Read online

  Reprinted here is the full transcript of the spot, plus all onscreen captions. Physical descriptions are provided where appropriate.

  [A note about format from this point forth: The transcripts of scenes that were officially broadcast on television will be denoted by camera icons and clearly defined borders spanning the duration of each clip. This is for the purpose of making on-air content more easily identifiable—and to provide a distinctive contrast to the discarded footage. As the body of evidence will come to show, there are many discrepancies between what made it onto the airwaves and the unaired, raw footage that never saw the light of day.]

  Item: Transcript of video package

  Source: Waste of Space Promo #1

  Date: January 21, 2016

  Chazz Young: [in voiceover, during the rolling credits of the preceding show, So You Think You Can Pole Dance] What uuuup, DV8 nation? Chazz Young here, getting ready to take you into another hour of Forever 21 Fitting Room Surveillance Camera Idol, but first—a totally bitchin’ sneak peek at the cast of our groundbreaking new reality show, Waste of Space! I recently got the chance to chat with the incoming Spacetronauts, and they did not disappoint. Our ten intrepit explorers dished about their upcoming mission in these exclusive interviews you won’t see anywhere else! So let’s meet the hottest, sexiest new heroes of the universe—and be sure to tune in to the premiere next Thursday night as we launch them into space! It’s literally gonna be out of this world!

  [CUT TO: Stock footage of things in space: planets, stars, comets, the moon landing, a still photo of a UFO]

  Chazz: [voiceover] Two hundred miles above the Earth . . .

  Ten strangers . . .

  One spaceplane . . .

  INFINITE ADVENTURES!

  [CUT TO: Stock video of a swirling wormhole, out of which emerges a series of shots of Chazz and his interviewees standing against a backdrop digitally altered to look like the night sky]

  [Note: All onscreen captions underlined]

  [CUT TO: Bottle-bronzed girl with black bird’s-nest hair, heavy mascara, and purple lipstick]

  Bacardi

  The Party Girl

  Bacardi: Wooooooo!

  Chazz: Well aren’t you a bundle of—

  Bacardi: WoooooOOOOOOO!

  Chazz: Love your energy! And—oh yes, very nice twerking skills. Do you take off your top like that all the time?

  Bacardi: All the time. [slurring words] See my bra? It’s got, like, space and shit on it.

  Chazz: It does! Are they real constellations?

  Bacardi: Who the hell knows?

  Chazz: Certainly not me!

  [They high-five.]

  Chazz: So what are you, ethnically speaking?

  Bacardi: One hundred percent party animal, bitch! Woooooo!

  Chazz: Woooo! [laughs] No, but you look very exotic. Are you Italian? Latina? Pacific Islander?

  Bacardi: They asked the same thing at my audition, and you know what I said? I said, “Put me on your show and I can be whatever you want me to be.”

  Chazz: Great answer. And do you have any daddy issues?

  Bacardi: Tons!

  Chazz: Perfect. So if you could bring only one item with you into outer space, what would it be?

  Bacardi: Uh . . . my space bra!

  Chazz: Hot!

  Bacardi: [directly addressing the camera] And I’ve got more where that came from, America. [moves hand down torso] Betcha can’t wait to see my black hole . . .

  [CUT TO: Husky redheaded boy in denim overalls caked with dirt]

  Snout

  The Hick

  Chazz: So you’re from—

  Snout: Coon Rapids, Iowa!

  Chazz: Tight! So tell me, if you could steal the yacht of any celebrity, who would—Wait. I’m sorry. What is that smell?

  Snout: Which smell, sir? You’ll have to be more specific. Are you asking about the smell coming from my shoes? Or the one coming from my pants?

  Chazz: I don’t—

  Snout: My hat? Because it’s a funny story about the hat. Seems ole Colonel Bacon managed to wriggle out of his pen and get himself tangled up in an onion patch, and—well, here’s a bit of trivia here for ya, sir: they don’t make diarrhea medication for pigs.

  Chazz: They don’t?

  Snout: [sighs] Not like they used to.

  Chazz: [tries to leave shot, is nudged back by producers] Okay. Gross. So if you could bring only one item with you into outer space, what would you bring?

  Snout: Oh, sir. I’m not going anywhere without Colonel Bacon.

  Chazz: And Colonel Bacon is . . .

  Snout: My pig! [bends down to pick up a pig the size of a border collie, straightens up, and hugs it to his chest] Been rearing him since he was just a shoat!

  Chazz: And he goes wherever you go?

  Snout: Shoot, we’ve never even left Iowa until I came to audition for this here show! There’s a great big world out there, and we wanna see it!

  Chazz: That’s the spirit.

  Snout: Also, my tractor was abducted by aliens once. And I’ve got some pretty pressing follow-up questions.

  [CUT TO: Petite girl with hands folded, looking worried but keeping calm]

  Kaoru

  The Foreigner

  [NOTE: Kaoru speaks only in Japanese. Subtitles are never displayed in the Waste of Space broadcasts, so an English translation is provided here, notated with {brackets}.]

  Chazz: What kind of music do you listen to?

  Kaoru: {I am confused about what is happening.}

  Chazz: I haven’t heard of them! They must be huge overseas.

  Kaoru: {Is this a television show?}

  Chazz: Why, thank you! I have recently joined a CrossFit! Thank God for kettlebells, right?

  Kaoru: {I see a lot of space things. Are you sending me into space?}

  Chazz: Totally!

  Kaoru: {Please do not send me into space.}

  Chazz: Right on, girl! Domo arigato!

  [CUT TO: Well-built boy who looks like an action figure and smiles like a model]

  Jamarkus

  The Black Gay Astronaut

  Chazz: Well, you’re just a diversity jackpot, aren’t you?

  Jamarkus: Excuse me?

  Chazz: First, let’s chat about your academic background. You’re a smart one, I hear!

  Jamarkus: Thanks! I am the captain of my school’s Math Team. And its Science Squad. I was a finalist for the National Aeronautic Scholarship. And I’ve already been accepted to MIT, though I’m still trying to figure out a way to pay the tuition.

  Chazz: So you know things about space?

  Jamarkus: I sure do. And I can’t wait to get up there! It’s a dream come true!

  Chazz: So Jamarkus knows things about space. It’ll be nice for your fellow planemates to have a resident expert they can trust up there. Sometimes textbooks and training and “airtight scientific principles” might turn out to be vastly different from what you’ll find in the field. I hope our viewers remember that too. Keep an open mind, America! Space can be unpredictable! Right, buddy?

  Jamarkus: Uh, yeah. Right.

  Chazz: So, you’re gay, too? Are you sassy? Gonna be bringing a lot of sass?

  Jamarkus: I wouldn’t call myself a sassy person, no—

  Chazz: Gonna be telling it like it is?

  Jamarkus: This is bordering on offensive—

  Chazz: There’s the sass!

  Jamarkus: I wasn’t—

  Chazz: But space, huh? Isn’t it the best?

  Jamarkus: Space is the best.

  Chazz: Aaaand a big smile into the camera!

  [Jamarkus smiles into the camera. A sparkling twinkle is digitally superimposed over his teeth.]

  [CUT TO: Frizzy-haired girl wearing a patchwork vest and pleated pants]

  Louise

  The Nerd

  Chazz: Pleated pants, huh? That’s a choice that you made?

  Louise: What?

  Chazz: So! If you could bring only one item with
you into outer space, what would you bring?

  Louise: My FTL jump drive.

  Chazz: And what is that?

  Louise: It’s a device that allows for faster-than-light interstellar travel. So far all I’ve been able to do with it is lightly toast English muffins, but I’m confident that a breakthrough is right around the corner.

  Chazz: [looking disgusted] Jump drive? Is that from a movie or something? [more disgusted] A nerd movie?

  Louise: Um . . . [looking squirrelly] . . . no.

  Chazz: Phew! Then what kind of movies do you like?

  Louise: Oh, I guess I’ve always had a soft spot for The Fast and the Furious.

  Chazz: Really? That’s my favorite!

  Louise: It’s just so . . .

  Chazz: I can’t even . . .

  Louise: And I’m just like . . .

  Chazz: Right? Right?

  Louise: Exactly. Exactly.

  Chazz: Can I just tell you how refreshing this is? So many of the applicants to this show were like, Interstellar Battle this, and Galactic Bullshit that. There was this one girl who stalked the audition team to multiple cities, dressing up in different Cosmic Crusades costumes! Can you believe that?

  Louise: No way!

  Chazz: Where would a teenager get the money and time off from school for that?

  Louise: Maybe she’s homeschooled. And maybe she wants it really, really bad. So bad she’d be willing to lie about her favorite movie to get in, if that’s what she thought the network wanted to hear.

  Chazz: Thank you, at least, for being honest.

  Louise: You’re welcome!

  [CUT TO: Boy with a pierced lip in ripped jeans and a T-shirt, having difficulty making eye contact]

  Nico

  The Orphan

  Chazz: So, Nico! Where are you from?

  Nico: New York.

  Chazz: Oh. Right, but where are you originally from?

  Nico: The Bronx.

  Chazz: [impatiently] And your parents came to the Bronx from . . .

  Nico: Ecuador.

  Chazz: There it is! I’m so sorry, by the way, about their passing.

  Nico: [to the floor] Thanks.

  Chazz: What was that?

  Nico: I said thanks.

  Chazz: You’re going to have to speak up if you want to be heard over your fellow planemates. Lots of larger-than-life personalities onboard. One-word answers aren’t going to cut it.

  Nico: Okay.

  [Chazz waits for him to say more, then makes a noise of impatience.]

  Chazz: So what’s the one item you’d like to bring to space?

  Nico: My video camera.

  Chazz: Bro, seriously? With all the opportunities for expressing yourself onboard—the confessional camera, the live broadcasts, conversations with your fellow planemates?

  Nico: Yes.

  Chazz: Yes, because . . .

  Nico: I like having it.

  Chazz: That’s not a real answer. Come on, speak up! Why would you possibly need to bring your own camera?

  Nico: I imagine there’ll be extensive litigation at some point—

  Chazz: [interrupting nervously] Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

  Nico: You told me to talk more.

  Chazz: [with a hollow laugh] You know what? The limelight isn’t for everyone. You be as shy as you want, bro.

  Nico: [looking back at the ground] Okay.

  [CUT TO: Girl with large plastic-framed glasses, a headband, a fedora over the headband, and headphones over the fedora]

  Hibiscus

  The Musician

  Chazz: And what are you doing? Hey, can you hear me? I’ve started talking.

  Hibiscus: Oh, sorry. [takes off headphones]

  Chazz: What are you listening to?

  Hibiscus: You’ve never heard of them.

  Chazz: All right. What’s that in your hand? What are you drinking?

  Hibiscus: [sips from a terracotta mug] Artisanal mud tea.

  Chazz: What’s mud tea?

  Hibiscus: It’s silt from the bottom of a top-secret bog in Manitoba, Canada. Steeped in water from that very same bog.

  Chazz: What does it taste like?

  Hibiscus: Socialism.

  Chazz: Great. So if you could bring only one thing into space, what would it be?

  Hibiscus: My mandolin. Oh, and plenty of locally sourced mushrooms.

  Chazz: For eating, or for . . . recreational use?

  Hibiscus: Both. And a third thing that’s illegal in forty states, according to The Man.

  Chazz: And which man is that?

  Hibiscus: [with a snort] You wouldn’t understand.

  [CUT TO: Befuddled-looking boy in a Pretzel Shed employee uniform]

  Matt

  The Disabled Hero

  Chazz: So, I don’t want to be insensitive here. In fact, I want to be as sensitive as humanly possible. I know it must be difficult to discuss your disability with a complete stranger—and with all of America—but I’ve always found that honesty is the best way to heal. So, if you’re comfortable, please: share with us.

  Matt: Share what now?

  Chazz: Your devastating injury.

  Matt: Um. Are you talking about my finger? [He holds up his right hand; his middle finger ends in a stump below the first joint] It got caught in my stroller when I was a baby—I’m sorry, were you expecting someone else? [He tries to leave, is blocked by a security guard.] I think there’s been a mistake—

  Chazz: No mistake! Get back here—carefully, no rush, don’t hurt yourself. Now. As painful as it may be, can you find the courage to tell us more about your daily hardships?

  Matt: I . . . don’t really have any.

  Chazz: I know it’s hard to talk about. But try.

  Matt: Uh—I can’t flip anyone off?

  Chazz: Tragic. Tragic.

  Matt: Listen, I don’t know why I’m here. I was on break from my job at the mall, and I was waiting for my burrito in the food court, and when they called my order number, these two shadowy figures took my food and held it hostage until I agreed to come with them—

  Chazz: Oh, I’m so sorry about that. Those were our friendly casting directors—guys, where’s this brave young man’s burrito? [gestures offscreen] Here we go! [presents him with a burrito] I hope hunger doesn’t aggravate your disability?

  Matt: [takes bite] What disability?

  Chazz: Your . . . finger stump.

  Matt: Oh, I wouldn’t call it a disa—

  Chazz: No, it counts! [at camera, insistent] It totally counts! Matt: Counts toward what?

  Chazz: So! If you could bring only one item with you—

  Matt: [overlapping] With me where?

  Chazz: —what would it be?

  Matt: [shrugging and chewing] Mmm. Probably this burrito.

  Chazz: Tight! And last but not least, why do you want to go to space?

  Matt: Space?

  [CUT TO: Pointy-jawed boy with impeccably groomed eyebrows, a permanent sneer, and eyes that were made for rolling]

  Clayton

  The Rich Kid

  Chazz: So if you were a smartphone app, what kind of smartphone app would you be?

  Clayton: I’m not doing this.

  Chazz: Doing what?

  Clayton: This interview. It’s stupid. The show hasn’t premiered yet.

  Chazz: But we’re interviewing all the Spacetronauts. If you’re going to be on the show, you have to give an interview.

  Clayton: Are you this bossy in the bedroom, Chazz? Or should I just ask my mom—

  Chazz: So! Why do you want to go into space?

  Clayton: Because I can. Uncle.

  Chazz: [talking over him] Ha! No, no, no. It’s because . . . [reading from offscreen cue card] because you’re a well-rounded, deserving individual who has received no special treatment and has not violated any eligibility clauses prohibiting the casting of family members of individuals who are employed in any capacity at this network.

  Clayton: That’s right
. [waves at camera] Hi, Mom.

  Chazz: So! Are you looking forward to meeting your fellow Spacetronauts?

  Clayton: Not really. They’re only going to get in my way.

  Chazz: That’s not very sociable.

  Clayton: Who gives a flying [beep]? I’m not here to make friends.

  Chazz: You won’t have much of a choice, all cooped up in a tiny spaceplane.

  Clayton: Then I’ll just have to make some enemies, won’t I?

  Chazz: That’s right. That’s exactly right. [smiles maniacally] So! If you could bring only one item with you into outer space, what would you bring?

  Clayton: It’s a secret.

  Chazz: Well . . . can you tell us what you might do with it?

  Clayton: I’ve heard a rumor that in space, no one can hear you scream. [smirks at the camera] I’d like to disprove that.

  [CUT TO: Girl with bleached hair about three inches long on top and buzz cut on the sides, wearing a cargo-pocketed canvas dress over cargo-pocketed pants]

  Titania

  The Tomboy

  Chazz: What do you like to do for fun?

  Titania: Build things.

  Chazz: Like what?

  Titania: Tables. Bookcases. Last summer I carved a ten-foot canoe out of a cedar log.

  Chazz: Wow! What’d you do with it?

  Titania: Tried to canoe.

  Chazz: Tried? What happened, did your boat spring a leak?

  Titania: No, the boat was fine. Border Patrol was less forgiving.

  Chazz: Ha! Have we got a fugitive on our hands? [to an offscreen producer] Wait, do we? [after most likely being given the signal to keep talking] So why do you want to go into space? Let me guess: you want to fill all those pockets with space rocks!

  Titania: There are literally hundreds of reasons that make more sense than that.

  Chazz: Name them!

  Titania: To expand human knowledge. To search for something greater than ourselves. To experience absolute silence.

  Chazz: So that’s why you want to go to space? To explore?

  Titania: Yes.

  [more to herself]

  I have to keep exploring.